TARDIS, the musical
by Valkian
Summary: Ten finds himself feeling slightly depressed. His birthday is coming up and he's so lonely. Then things start to go horribly wrong, and he finds himself in a "wacky Broadway nightmare". X-over DW, TW and numerous of musicals. Rated T just in case.
1. The Doctor in Distress

**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything of this, even though I wish I did. (Title suggested by Rose Eclipe ^_~)

**Author's note:** There will be more of a story too, hopefully, maybe, someday. And also an Ave Q song, but you'll have to wait and see! ;-) I have most of the songs planned out, but you can always try to convince me to add another song or show. Banana points if you give me the titles of the original songs.

* * *

The TARDIS is parked in Cardiff, coincidentally right above Torchwood. The Doctor's sitting alone inside the ship, playing a bit on his guitar and looking depressed. He sighs. Plays a bit more. Then starts singing.

_On a cold Christmas evening on a ship bound for London  
I met up with this waitress; we were gazing at the sky  
She told me about travelling, to the stars and different planets, I said:  
I have a blue police box, you should come and see her fly_

_But she fell into the engines where she died, I couldn't save her,  
And she's travelling now forever, still that's better I suppose  
Than losing your memory, your friends and all your family,  
Or living on a parallel world, with a clone of me, like Rose._

_So, I now know not to hold em, know when to fold em,  
I know I'll walk away and know I'll run.  
I'll never count my companions when I'm sitting in the TARDIS.  
There's always too much time for counting when the travelling's done._

_Now every Timelord knows that the secret to companions  
Is to stick to your TARDIS and just maybe a tin pet  
Cause humans are so mortal, so curious and headstrong  
That if you're not too careful, they'll end up in… *cough* They'll end up being dead._

_So when I've finished travelling, I'll turn away from earthlings  
And spend my life in peace, in my own little part of space,  
I'll read Hamlet, solve whodunnits, with no humans there to bug me,  
With the Lion King and K9, I know it will be ace._

_Because, I know not to hold em, know when to fold em,  
I know I'll walk away and know I'll run.  
I'll never count my companions when I'm sitting in the TARDIS.  
There's always too much time for counting when the travelling's done._

_Yes, I know not to hold em, know when to fold em,  
I know I'll walk away and know I'll run.  
I'll never count my companions when I'm sitting in the TARDIS.  
There's always too much time for counting when the travelling's done._


	2. Who loves you?

When the song is finished, he puts away his guitar and sighs, looking positively emo. Suddenly the door of the TARDIS opens and Torchwood bursts in. Fronted by Jack they start singing too.

_Who loves you pretty Doctor,  
Who's gonna help you through the night?  
Who loves you pretty Timelord,  
Who's always here to aid your fight?_

_Who loves you pretty Doctor,  
Who's gonna help you through the night?  
Who loves you pretty Timelord,  
Who's always here to aid your fight?_

_Who loves you,  
Who loves you pretty Doctor?  
Who's gonna love you Timelord?  
Who loves you,  
Who loves you pretty Timelord?_

(Jack)_  
When you start to realize,  
There's no more Gallifrey.  
It's hard to make believe,  
You're happy when you're grey._

_Doctor when you're feelin' like,  
You'll never see your home again.  
Dance with me,  
Doctor, you'll see._

_Who loves you pretty Doctor,  
Who's gonna help you through the night?  
Who loves you pretty Timelord,  
Who's always here to aid you?  
Who loves you,  
Who loves you pretty Doctor?  
Who's gonna love you Timelord?  
Who loves you pretty Doctor?_

Before the Doctor can say anything, the TARDIS engines suddenly start up, and the doors lock. The TARDIS starts moving, like it's being dragged somewhere and everyone has to hold on to something. Or in Jack and Ianto's case – someone.


	3. Multicolour Daleks

Then the TARDIS stops just as sudden, and the doors fly open. Everybody gets to their feet, and makes their way to the door, watching what on earth (other planets available) is going on. They find themselves on something that resembles an enormous stage, veiled in darkness.

Doctor: "What? What?! WHAT?"

Two spotlights go on, revealing two Daleks on opposite sides of the stage. A voice from thedarkness starts singing.

(Darkness)  
_The Doctor's luck was really out  
His spirit and his fortune low  
Alone he sat, alone he thought  
Of happy times he used to know_

(Dalek 1)  
_Hey Doctor, don't be so upset_

(Dalek 2)  
_Hey Doctor, you're not beaten yet_

_Exterminate Doctor, you know what they say  
Ha ha ha Doctor, we'll get you some day  
Give up now Doctor, fight till you drop  
Next time we face you, we'll come out on top_

(Darkness)  
_Now into the Doctor's TARDIS  
Two Daleks came sneaking in_

(Dalek 1 & Dalek 2)  
_We don't think that we will ever  
See the sky of Skaro again  
Hey Doctor, help us with our fate  
We've this enemy we can't exterminate_

(Darkness)  
_The two were servants of Davros the King  
Both in the TARDIS to do his bidding  
Both of them Daleks, a mutational race  
Killing pepperpots with an eyestalk, no face_

(Doctor, resignedly)  
_Tell me of this enemy  
And I will tell you what I know  
Though I cannot guarantee  
To get it right, I'll have a go_

(Darkness)  
_The first Dalek floated to the floor  
Emotionless he spoke of what he saw_

(Dalek 1)  
_There we were hiding in century 22  
A fleet of Daleks, with an Emperor too  
Then came the Doctor, who ruined our plans  
We were destroyed by the human girl's hands_

(Doctor)  
_You will soon be back, my foe  
So do not worry any more  
Davros will get you back together  
You'll battle as you did before_

(Darkness)  
_The second Dalek began to sing his song  
Hoping Doc would tell him he was wrong_

(Dalek 2)  
_There we were battling it out in a cascade  
We had control of earth and of planets twenty-eight.  
Then came the Doctor again, spoilsport  
Killing Davros and the Daleks, the entire sort_

(Doctor)  
_Sad to say your song is true  
The kind of truth I do regret  
But the Doctor has it in for you  
Your extermination date was set  
Don't rely on me, and what I inform  
Just don't forget that I'm the Oncoming Storm  
(Boo!)_

Daleks ride backwards, looking distressed, when an entire multicolour Dalek choir appears

(Dalek choir)  
_Ex-ter-mi-nate  
Ex-ter-mi-nate_

_Exterminate Doctor, you know what they say  
Ha ha ha Doctor, we'll get you some day  
Give up now Doctor, fight till you drop  
Next time we face you, we'll come out on top_

_Exterminate Doctor, you know what they say  
Ha ha ha Doctor, we'll get you some day  
Give up now Doctor, fight till you drop  
Next time we face you, we'll come out on top_

_Ex-ter-mi-nate  
Ex-ter-mi-nate  
Ex-ter-mi-nate  
Ex-ter-mi-nate  
Ex-ter-mi-nate  
Ex-ter-mi-nate, ex-ter-mi-nate_

_Exterminate Doctor, you know what they say  
Ha ha ha Doctor, we'll get you some day  
Give up now Doctor, fight till you drop  
Next time we face you, we'll come out on top_

_Ex-ter-mi-nate, Exterminate Doctor, you know what they say  
Ha ha ha Doctor, we'll get you some day  
Give up now Doctor, fight till you drop  
Next time we face you, we'll come out on top_

(Daleks)  
_We'll come out on top_

(Doctor)  
_I'll come out on top_

(Daleks)  
_We'll come out on top_

(Doctor)  
_I'll come out on top_

(Together)  
_We'll come out on top_

(Daleks)  
_Exterminieren!_


	4. Life with a Timelord

Faced by the multicolour Dalek choir, the Doctor backs away, to the TARDIS where the Torchwood team stands waiting. Scratch that, Gwen is waiting. Jack and Ianto have better things to do.

Doctor: "Oh, don't start."

Before Jack can say anything, Ianto replies: "Who said anything about starting? According to my stopwatch…"

The Doctor turns away, looking exasperated. "Both of them?!"

Jack smirks, but doesn't comment.

"So, erm, what do we do about those Daleks out there?" Gwen asks, a little anxious. "We can't wait until they just… disappear, now can we?"

"Of course we can't! But they're not even supposed to be here!"

"Well, according to UNIT measurement…" Martha suddenly appears in the TARDIS. She rolls her eyes when seeing the looks of shock around her. "Perception filter, UNIT developed it. I needed a way to pass those Daleks unnoticed, so I beta tested it."

Seeing that Ianto and Gwen still look confused, she starts explaining: "It's like when you fancy someone and they don't even know you exist."

"Exactly," Jack nods, then winks at Ianto.

The Doctor just looks annoyed. "It's not supposed to work in the TARDIS you know."

Martha shrugs. "I wasn't sure about that either. Anyway, important things first." She tosses something red to Ianto. "UNIT cap. I thought I'd bring you one this time."

A speculative look appears in Jack's eyes, but the Doctor looks more chagrined than ever. "It's supposed to be MY birthday!" Before anyone can stop him, he dashes away, deep into the TARDIS, leaving the others behind.

For a moment, they're stunned. Then Jack gets to his feet and motions Martha to follow him. "I think we'd better persuade him to come back."

Martha nods. "Who would've thought it was his birthday today? I didn't even know Timelords _had_ a birthday! And I thought I knew him so well."

"So did I," Jack says. "But you know, nothing is so good it lasts eternally anyway. And perfect situations must go wrong." He hums a bit, then starts singing.

_But this never yet prevented me  
Wanting him so much for far too long_

_Looking back what could I've played differently?  
Were there some more clues there, who can tell?  
It took so long to understand the man  
Only now I feel I know, I know him well_

_But wasn't it good?_

_(Martha)  
Oh, so good_

_(Jack)  
Wasn't he fine?_

_(Martha)  
Oh, so fine_

_(Jack)  
Isn't it madness_

_(Together)  
He can't be mine_

_(Jack)  
But in the end he needs  
A little bit more than me  
More security_

_(Martha)  
He needs his TARDIS and his freedom_

_(Together)  
I know him so well_

_(Martha)  
No one in your life is with you constantly  
No Timelord is completely on your side  
And though I moved the world to be with him  
Still the gap between us is too wide_

_(Martha) // (Jack)  
Looking back I could // Looking back I could  
have played things // have sung songs  
Some other way // so differently  
// Learned about the man  
// Before we danced  
I was just a little //  
Careless maybe // But I was  
// Ever so much  
Now at least // Younger then  
I know him well // Now at least_

_(Together)  
I know I know him well_

_(Martha)  
Wasn't it good?_

_(Jack)  
Oh, so good_

_(Martha)  
Wasn't he fine?_

_(Jack)  
Oh, so fine_

_(Martha)  
Isn't it madness_

_(Together)  
He can't be mine_

_(Jack)  
Didn't I know_

_(Martha)  
Didn't I know?_

_(Jack)  
How it would go?_

_(Together)  
If I knew from the start  
Why am I falling apart?_

_He can't be mine_

_(Jack)  
But in the end he needs  
A little bit more than me  
More security_

_(Martha)  
He needs his TARDIS and his freedom_

_(Together)  
I know him so well_

_(Martha)  
It took time to understand him_

_(Together)  
I know him so well_

They both sigh.

"Life with a Timelord can be hard sometimes."

Jack smiles and nods. "On a more positive note I always said you had the voice of a nightingale." He pauses. "You wouldn't happen to have another of those caps, would you?" Then he shakes his head. "Never mind, red really isn't his colour anyway."


End file.
